Capture

Today feels like a day granted by a wish. I feel normal, like I used to, back before ED ruled my life. Today I ate what I wanted without feeling guilty about it. I ate until I felt satiated, not overfull. For the first time in over a year I allowed myself to eat beef. It caused me a little bit of anxiety but I got through it. For once I could actually eat with my family, having the same thing they were having, and enjoy it. Tonight I can actually look in the mirror and see a small girl, who isn't overweight. I feel like myself again.

I want to bottle this moment and keep it with me. Does this mean I'm recovering? Or does it mean I'm just having a lucky day? I don't know. It hasn't even been a particularly good day. My morning was highly stressful and I've been studying all day, which is usually a trigger for a binge. I don't know what's different about today, but I wish things were like this all the time. I am going to try and make it like this.

Thank you X for your sweet comments. What you said about looking at the picture of yourself as a little girl really hit home for me. I want to try and re-connect with that girl. I also need to work on what you said about mindful eating. This is something my therapist wants to try with me and I agree that it's a great idea.

I'm having a strong day. It's been a long time since I've felt like this.
Here's to hoping there's more to come.

Trying

Well, I've relapsed into my old patterns. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever get better? What I would give not to think about food and my weight at all times of the day. To eat a piece of chocolate without feeling guilty for the rest of the day. To be able to have a treat without going on a full out binge.

What is it like to be normal?

I'm trying. Again. For the millionth time. But I can't give up on myself. That would mean giving into the depression. Hating life. Doing nothing. I don't want to go to that place. So I'm picking myself up and starting again. Trying not to calorie count, but not to overindulge either. Trying not to deprive myself, but not eating treats all day. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not agonize over what I see. Ugh, this is so incredibly frustrating. No matter how strong my resolve is, I always end up failing.

My therapist says this is normal. To take a few steps backwards. To fail over and over again. She says recovery isn't easy or swift. And I'm trying to believe her.

I'm really really trying this time.

Happy Easter

Holidays are notoriously hard for me. For the past year, I've dreaded them, fearing that I will lose control and spiral into a binge. And I've been right. I HAVE binged all of the past few holidays. I am hopeful that with the progress I've made, that's not going to happen this weekend. I know myself well enough to let myself indulge. I just don't want to go overboard. Just once piece of pumpkin pie instead of half of it. I've already been struggling with all the chocolate around, but I haven't eaten myself sick yet. I still fear that I'm gaining weight from eating so much all the time, but I'm learning to see the person in the mirror a bit more positively. It's hard work. Somedays it doesn't work. But I'm trying.

I'm sick, which adds another challenge the weekend. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat comfort food. Plus, my throat is so sore I've been eating halls and drinking tea with honey non-stop. Way too much sugar. Which is not helping at all. My goal I guess is to just be easy on myself. I want to do this. I can.

Encouragement

I've been having a really good week, up until today that is. I ate myself sick for the first time in a while, but I'm trying to concentrate on the positive. One binge isn't going to hurt me.

I haven't gotten around to meditating yet. It's a bit hard living at home. I rarely have the house to myself so there's never a good time where I won't be interrupted. I still plan on trying it though, as soon as I have the chance. I'm thinking a guided meditation might be the best place to start. Anyone know of anything online? Even without the meditation though, I seem to be getting a bit better. I don't know if it's because we haven't had anything tempting in the house or my willpower is getting stronger. I'd like to believe it's the latter. Keeping busy hasn't hurt either. I've had much less time to obsess about food.

I'm done with the whole "starting tomorrow" idea but I think I have enough confidence now to know that I can get throughout a day without binging. Let's see where the next week takes me.

And thanks for all your encouragement. You guys make a difference!

Meditation

 So a lot of my posts have been pretty negative lately. I've been feeling pretty down on myself, putting on weight and unable to control my eating. But I think that this is only giving me an excuse to keep feeding the cycle. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. It always comes back to that sense of perfectionism.

So anyways, I thought I'd try for a positive post.

 I met with my counselor today. It was the first time I walked out of there feeling hopeful in a while. We talked about meditation and how it might be good for me to learn to slow down and live in the moment. I am such a high stress personality that it can be hard for me to remember to take a minute for myself and relax. I think this translates to my eating. I get caught up in such a frenzy. So she taught me a couple distraction techniques and next time we're going to work through a guided meditation. In the mean time, I get to practice. Has anyone ever tried meditation? I'm looking forward to giving it a shot. I think this could actually be something that works.

Problems

Another fuck up. But I am trying not to let it get to me. I CAN get better. I have to keep believing that. Today my mistake was baking. Baking is ALWAYS disastrous for me. But I love it. So I thought I'd give it a try today, and be very very careful to watch my eating. It didn't work. Once I tasted the icing I was making for the carrot cake I just kept going. Before I knew it a third of the cake was gone.

I am a disgusting creature. Has anyone else ever done this? Or is it just me?

Then I had a panic attack about what my mom would say when she saw so much of the cake already gone. I tried purging but I could only get up  a little of what I had eaten up. For some reason, I  have a really hard time making myself throw up. I WISH that I could. If I could get all that crap out of my system, I wouldn't have to feel so disgusted with myself. Does anyone have any tips/advice?

Red Velvet Contract

It's time to start a new contract with myself. I've been trying all week to get myself back on track but it just hasn't happened. I can't seem to stop eating. I finally got the courage to weigh myself. It's not good news (though I suppose it could be a lot worse). I've gained 3 lbs. I don't want to keep going like this. I am so sick and tired of feeling fat and disgusted with myself all the time. I want to feel normal again.

So here is my new promise to myself.

1. I will not snack between meals, not even to try a PIECE of something.
2. I will not taste/sample/snack while preparing meals.
3. I will not eat after 8'clock at night.
4. I will eat mindfully and listen to my body when it says its full.

Those are my absolute rules. I am also going to work on balancing my intake--not depriving myself of treats but not over-indulging on them either. I want to learn to tolerate hunger again and learn how not to eat when I am stressed, distracted, or just plain bored. Mostly, I just want to get to a place where I can not feel guilty about how much and what I am eating, where I don't think about food all the time and how fat I am getting. Because I am not fat. Three pounds is nothing. I can easily get back to normal by getting healthy.

There's one additional promise I'd like to make to myself for this weekend. My mom bought red velvet cupcakes for a treat. I've never tried red velvet before but I've always wanted to. My promise is that I will allow myself to enjoy this treat, however, I will NOT sneak any more (not even a crumb) once I am finished my portion and I will NOT feel bad about it. One cupcake is not going to ruin me.

Wish me luck!