Capture

Today feels like a day granted by a wish. I feel normal, like I used to, back before ED ruled my life. Today I ate what I wanted without feeling guilty about it. I ate until I felt satiated, not overfull. For the first time in over a year I allowed myself to eat beef. It caused me a little bit of anxiety but I got through it. For once I could actually eat with my family, having the same thing they were having, and enjoy it. Tonight I can actually look in the mirror and see a small girl, who isn't overweight. I feel like myself again.

I want to bottle this moment and keep it with me. Does this mean I'm recovering? Or does it mean I'm just having a lucky day? I don't know. It hasn't even been a particularly good day. My morning was highly stressful and I've been studying all day, which is usually a trigger for a binge. I don't know what's different about today, but I wish things were like this all the time. I am going to try and make it like this.

Thank you X for your sweet comments. What you said about looking at the picture of yourself as a little girl really hit home for me. I want to try and re-connect with that girl. I also need to work on what you said about mindful eating. This is something my therapist wants to try with me and I agree that it's a great idea.

I'm having a strong day. It's been a long time since I've felt like this.
Here's to hoping there's more to come.

Trying

Well, I've relapsed into my old patterns. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever get better? What I would give not to think about food and my weight at all times of the day. To eat a piece of chocolate without feeling guilty for the rest of the day. To be able to have a treat without going on a full out binge.

What is it like to be normal?

I'm trying. Again. For the millionth time. But I can't give up on myself. That would mean giving into the depression. Hating life. Doing nothing. I don't want to go to that place. So I'm picking myself up and starting again. Trying not to calorie count, but not to overindulge either. Trying not to deprive myself, but not eating treats all day. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not agonize over what I see. Ugh, this is so incredibly frustrating. No matter how strong my resolve is, I always end up failing.

My therapist says this is normal. To take a few steps backwards. To fail over and over again. She says recovery isn't easy or swift. And I'm trying to believe her.

I'm really really trying this time.

Happy Easter

Holidays are notoriously hard for me. For the past year, I've dreaded them, fearing that I will lose control and spiral into a binge. And I've been right. I HAVE binged all of the past few holidays. I am hopeful that with the progress I've made, that's not going to happen this weekend. I know myself well enough to let myself indulge. I just don't want to go overboard. Just once piece of pumpkin pie instead of half of it. I've already been struggling with all the chocolate around, but I haven't eaten myself sick yet. I still fear that I'm gaining weight from eating so much all the time, but I'm learning to see the person in the mirror a bit more positively. It's hard work. Somedays it doesn't work. But I'm trying.

I'm sick, which adds another challenge the weekend. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat comfort food. Plus, my throat is so sore I've been eating halls and drinking tea with honey non-stop. Way too much sugar. Which is not helping at all. My goal I guess is to just be easy on myself. I want to do this. I can.