Today feels like a day granted by a wish. I feel normal, like I used to, back before ED ruled my life. Today I ate what I wanted without feeling guilty about it. I ate until I felt satiated, not overfull. For the first time in over a year I allowed myself to eat beef. It caused me a little bit of anxiety but I got through it. For once I could actually eat with my family, having the same thing they were having, and enjoy it. Tonight I can actually look in the mirror and see a small girl, who isn't overweight. I feel like myself again.
I want to bottle this moment and keep it with me. Does this mean I'm recovering? Or does it mean I'm just having a lucky day? I don't know. It hasn't even been a particularly good day. My morning was highly stressful and I've been studying all day, which is usually a trigger for a binge. I don't know what's different about today, but I wish things were like this all the time. I am going to try and make it like this.
Thank you X for your sweet comments. What you said about looking at the picture of yourself as a little girl really hit home for me. I want to try and re-connect with that girl. I also need to work on what you said about mindful eating. This is something my therapist wants to try with me and I agree that it's a great idea.
I'm having a strong day. It's been a long time since I've felt like this.
Here's to hoping there's more to come.
Well, you may not be able to bottle it up, but you CAN remember it. Your brain has an amazing capacity to remember these things. And when you are feeling kinda crazy or bad, take a few cleansing breaths, and focus on being present with that feeling. My therapist always used to ask me if I could "make space" for the bad feeling and the good feeling to coexist. Kinda like not denying when you feel bad, but acknowledging that it won't be around forever. I love the release that just being present, just that 20 secs of deep breaths gives me... It helps me not let my thoughts go into a tailspin.
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful. I hope you CAN relish this moment. Who you are right this very second is fantastic, and you really and truly don't have to change a hair on your head for that fantastic-ness to radiate from you.
Hey beautiful, I hope you have been doing well since writing this.
ReplyDeleteI know that it's hard to eat like a 'normal' person, but recovery is just that! It's not having rules on foods or portion sizes or whatever! It's eating til you're full and stopping! I am very proud of you :)
Love your blog. *following now* :)
xoxo Haley