April 16, 2012


Well, I've relapsed into my old patterns. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever get better? What I would give not to think about food and my weight at all times of the day. To eat a piece of chocolate without feeling guilty for the rest of the day. To be able to have a treat without going on a full out binge.

What is it like to be normal?

I'm trying. Again. For the millionth time. But I can't give up on myself. That would mean giving into the depression. Hating life. Doing nothing. I don't want to go to that place. So I'm picking myself up and starting again. Trying not to calorie count, but not to overindulge either. Trying not to deprive myself, but not eating treats all day. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not agonize over what I see. Ugh, this is so incredibly frustrating. No matter how strong my resolve is, I always end up failing.

My therapist says this is normal. To take a few steps backwards. To fail over and over again. She says recovery isn't easy or swift. And I'm trying to believe her.

I'm really really trying this time.

1 comment:

  1. Hey girl! Thanks for your comment. My therapist made me read this book called "Women, Food, and God" by Genene Roth. Really good stuff. It was hard to read, and I haven't finished it after months and months, but really gave me some different perspectives. Let me know if you decide to read it. Another great one that actually doesn't have anything to do with food but that is amazing is called "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Huber. A LOT about meditation.

    Another thing I did was to use as a bookmark a picture of myself as a little girl, around 3 years old. When I look at that little girl, I have compassion for her, so I try to see myself as her... because I still am. When I look at how innocent and sweet and wonderful I was, I know that I am and still can be. That kid never ate in excess or the otherwise, she just ate what felt right. Trust your instincts. Not the crazy self-talk, but the instincts under that, the ones that want you to give in to self-love and how amazing you are. They won't steer you wrong.

    Another thing I try to practice as a mild form of meditation, as often as I remember: I try to notice every sensation of what it is to eat. How it tastes, the texture, the smell, what I am thinking, etc and try to fully enjoy the moment. There's something to be said for allowing your brain to fully register and enjoy that you are eating. Theoretically you feel more satisfied that way. I try not to watch tv or read while eating that way I can fully experience myself with food.