Well, I've relapsed into my old patterns. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever get better? What I would give not to think about food and my weight at all times of the day. To eat a piece of chocolate without feeling guilty for the rest of the day. To be able to have a treat without going on a full out binge.
What is it like to be normal?
I'm trying. Again. For the millionth time. But I can't give up on myself. That would mean giving into the depression. Hating life. Doing nothing. I don't want to go to that place. So I'm picking myself up and starting again. Trying not to calorie count, but not to overindulge either. Trying not to deprive myself, but not eating treats all day. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not agonize over what I see. Ugh, this is so incredibly frustrating. No matter how strong my resolve is, I always end up failing.
My therapist says this is normal. To take a few steps backwards. To fail over and over again. She says recovery isn't easy or swift. And I'm trying to believe her.
I'm really really trying this time.