Encouragement

I've been having a really good week, up until today that is. I ate myself sick for the first time in a while, but I'm trying to concentrate on the positive. One binge isn't going to hurt me.

I haven't gotten around to meditating yet. It's a bit hard living at home. I rarely have the house to myself so there's never a good time where I won't be interrupted. I still plan on trying it though, as soon as I have the chance. I'm thinking a guided meditation might be the best place to start. Anyone know of anything online? Even without the meditation though, I seem to be getting a bit better. I don't know if it's because we haven't had anything tempting in the house or my willpower is getting stronger. I'd like to believe it's the latter. Keeping busy hasn't hurt either. I've had much less time to obsess about food.

I'm done with the whole "starting tomorrow" idea but I think I have enough confidence now to know that I can get throughout a day without binging. Let's see where the next week takes me.

And thanks for all your encouragement. You guys make a difference!

Meditation

 So a lot of my posts have been pretty negative lately. I've been feeling pretty down on myself, putting on weight and unable to control my eating. But I think that this is only giving me an excuse to keep feeding the cycle. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. It always comes back to that sense of perfectionism.

So anyways, I thought I'd try for a positive post.

 I met with my counselor today. It was the first time I walked out of there feeling hopeful in a while. We talked about meditation and how it might be good for me to learn to slow down and live in the moment. I am such a high stress personality that it can be hard for me to remember to take a minute for myself and relax. I think this translates to my eating. I get caught up in such a frenzy. So she taught me a couple distraction techniques and next time we're going to work through a guided meditation. In the mean time, I get to practice. Has anyone ever tried meditation? I'm looking forward to giving it a shot. I think this could actually be something that works.

Problems

Another fuck up. But I am trying not to let it get to me. I CAN get better. I have to keep believing that. Today my mistake was baking. Baking is ALWAYS disastrous for me. But I love it. So I thought I'd give it a try today, and be very very careful to watch my eating. It didn't work. Once I tasted the icing I was making for the carrot cake I just kept going. Before I knew it a third of the cake was gone.

I am a disgusting creature. Has anyone else ever done this? Or is it just me?

Then I had a panic attack about what my mom would say when she saw so much of the cake already gone. I tried purging but I could only get up  a little of what I had eaten up. For some reason, I  have a really hard time making myself throw up. I WISH that I could. If I could get all that crap out of my system, I wouldn't have to feel so disgusted with myself. Does anyone have any tips/advice?

Red Velvet Contract

It's time to start a new contract with myself. I've been trying all week to get myself back on track but it just hasn't happened. I can't seem to stop eating. I finally got the courage to weigh myself. It's not good news (though I suppose it could be a lot worse). I've gained 3 lbs. I don't want to keep going like this. I am so sick and tired of feeling fat and disgusted with myself all the time. I want to feel normal again.

So here is my new promise to myself.

1. I will not snack between meals, not even to try a PIECE of something.
2. I will not taste/sample/snack while preparing meals.
3. I will not eat after 8'clock at night.
4. I will eat mindfully and listen to my body when it says its full.

Those are my absolute rules. I am also going to work on balancing my intake--not depriving myself of treats but not over-indulging on them either. I want to learn to tolerate hunger again and learn how not to eat when I am stressed, distracted, or just plain bored. Mostly, I just want to get to a place where I can not feel guilty about how much and what I am eating, where I don't think about food all the time and how fat I am getting. Because I am not fat. Three pounds is nothing. I can easily get back to normal by getting healthy.

There's one additional promise I'd like to make to myself for this weekend. My mom bought red velvet cupcakes for a treat. I've never tried red velvet before but I've always wanted to. My promise is that I will allow myself to enjoy this treat, however, I will NOT sneak any more (not even a crumb) once I am finished my portion and I will NOT feel bad about it. One cupcake is not going to ruin me.

Wish me luck!

Damn Apple Pie

Well I fucked up. I suppose it was bound to happen. 6 days is the longest I've gone in a long time, so I don't really see it as a big failure. I can just pick back up and keep going tomorrow.

At least, this is what I'm telling myself.

It was the apple pie that undid me. I don't even like apple pie. But it was sweet and I am a sucker for sugar. I don't like the way I feel now, all bloated and uncomfortable. Let this be a lesson to myself.

Six Days

Six days. It's unbelievable. I've almost gone an entire week. I haven't been necessarily good, but I haven't had a real binge either. I'm not going to lose weight this way but hopefully I will be able to maintain what I'm at until I'm in a healthier place. I was really good last night. I went out to the hockey game and even though I was DYING for some mini doughnuts or ice cream, I managed not to buy any. Take that ED!

I have the urge to bake, but I'm afraid that will break my good streak. Baking is always extremely dangerous for my will power. I don't know if I want to push myself that far yet.

Four Days

Four days and I am feeling the strain. Yesterday, croutons almost did me in. Today it was garlic bread. But I am hanging in there. I REALLY want a piece of cake right now. I'm debating whether or not to allow myself a piece to prevent a binge. The thing is, just because I haven't been binging doesn't mean I've been eating well. Maybe I should have a piece anyways.One piece is better than ten. I don't want to relapse.

I had a meeting with my therapist on Wednesday. It wasn't a very productive meeting. She spent most of the session trying to tell me my that the other problems in my life unconscious sources of my eating problems (i.e. my lacking dating life) and I spent the session trying to convince her that maybe I have a food addiction. We didn't really come to a consensus. Or a plan for treatment. I've been in a pretty good place this week, and she seems to think that my very small achievements are proof that I am improving. I will see her again in two weeks and we'll see how I am then. I hope that she is right.

Two Days

Two days binge free. I've been feeling really good about myself lately, sort of ego tripping actually. Things in life are going really well for me right now in terms of school and my career aspirations. If it weren't for this damn ED, it'd be pretty near perfect (but not the perfect I'm trying to avoid).

Maybe this new self-confidence will help to keep the binging at bay. Here's to two days and counting.

P.S. Thank you to my lovely followers. It makes all the difference in the world to come here and see that I am NOT alone. Your support is irreplaceable.

Saying No To the Cake

I have been such a failure lately. I am binge eating or overeating nearly everyday now. I haven't weighed myself, but I must be packing on the pounds. I hate what I am doing to myself. I hate how this feels.

I do have one very small achievement to report today. My mom bought a Black Forest Cake yesterday--instant temptation. Yesterday, yes, I did binge. Today, yes, I did overeat. However, I was picking at the leftover cake, on the verge of going onto a binge with it...but I managed to walk away. I don't know how, but I did. And then later, when I was thinking about how much I'd already messed up and that I might as well just go ahead and have a piece, I managed to say no. I don't know if this is a sign of progress at all, or just my body saying that it was satisfied for once. I'm going to choose to take it as a positive. Afterall, something I need to learn about my disorder is that I can't just "start tomorrow". I have to start today.

Hate

I am going to end up fat.

I cannot stop eating. I try SO hard but I always managed to screw it up. Today it was frozen yogurt, cake, and chips. Yesterday it was just chips. It's always something. I hate myself and my lack of willpower. I don't even know what to do anymore. How do I stop????? I feel so hopeless.

I have an appointment Wednesday with my therapist. I don't know if it's even worth going. I've only gotten worse since I started seeing her. Her suggestions aren't helping. Is there even a point to continuing?

I think I'm going to start tracking again. Thinking about food obsessively and a calorie counting is better than ending up morbidly obese and hating my body. Better than hating myself.