It's time to start a new contract with myself. I've been trying all week to get myself back on track but it just hasn't happened. I can't seem to stop eating. I finally got the courage to weigh myself. It's not good news (though I suppose it could be a lot worse). I've gained 3 lbs. I don't want to keep going like this. I am so sick and tired of feeling fat and disgusted with myself all the time. I want to feel normal again.
So here is my new promise to myself.
1. I will not snack between meals, not even to try a PIECE of something.
2. I will not taste/sample/snack while preparing meals.
3. I will not eat after 8'clock at night.
4. I will eat mindfully and listen to my body when it says its full.
Those are my absolute rules. I am also going to work on balancing my intake--not depriving myself of treats but not over-indulging on them either. I want to learn to tolerate hunger again and learn how not to eat when I am stressed, distracted, or just plain bored. Mostly, I just want to get to a place where I can not feel guilty about how much and what I am eating, where I don't think about food all the time and how fat I am getting. Because I am not fat. Three pounds is nothing. I can easily get back to normal by getting healthy.
There's one additional promise I'd like to make to myself for this weekend. My mom bought red velvet cupcakes for a treat. I've never tried red velvet before but I've always wanted to. My promise is that I will allow myself to enjoy this treat, however, I will NOT sneak any more (not even a crumb) once I am finished my portion and I will NOT feel bad about it. One cupcake is not going to ruin me.
Wish me luck!
March 15, 2012
March 10, 2012
Damn Apple Pie
Well I fucked up. I suppose it was bound to happen. 6 days is the longest I've gone in a long time, so I don't really see it as a big failure. I can just pick back up and keep going tomorrow.
At least, this is what I'm telling myself.
It was the apple pie that undid me. I don't even like apple pie. But it was sweet and I am a sucker for sugar. I don't like the way I feel now, all bloated and uncomfortable. Let this be a lesson to myself.
At least, this is what I'm telling myself.
It was the apple pie that undid me. I don't even like apple pie. But it was sweet and I am a sucker for sugar. I don't like the way I feel now, all bloated and uncomfortable. Let this be a lesson to myself.
Six Days
Six days. It's unbelievable. I've almost gone an entire week. I haven't been necessarily good, but I haven't had a real binge either. I'm not going to lose weight this way but hopefully I will be able to maintain what I'm at until I'm in a healthier place. I was really good last night. I went out to the hockey game and even though I was DYING for some mini doughnuts or ice cream, I managed not to buy any. Take that ED!
I have the urge to bake, but I'm afraid that will break my good streak. Baking is always extremely dangerous for my will power. I don't know if I want to push myself that far yet.
I have the urge to bake, but I'm afraid that will break my good streak. Baking is always extremely dangerous for my will power. I don't know if I want to push myself that far yet.
March 08, 2012
Four Days
Four days and I am feeling the strain. Yesterday, croutons almost did me in. Today it was garlic bread. But I am hanging in there. I REALLY want a piece of cake right now. I'm debating whether or not to allow myself a piece to prevent a binge. The thing is, just because I haven't been binging doesn't mean I've been eating well. Maybe I should have a piece anyways.One piece is better than ten. I don't want to relapse.
I had a meeting with my therapist on Wednesday. It wasn't a very productive meeting. She spent most of the session trying to tell me my that the other problems in my life unconscious sources of my eating problems (i.e. my lacking dating life) and I spent the session trying to convince her that maybe I have a food addiction. We didn't really come to a consensus. Or a plan for treatment. I've been in a pretty good place this week, and she seems to think that my very small achievements are proof that I am improving. I will see her again in two weeks and we'll see how I am then. I hope that she is right.
I had a meeting with my therapist on Wednesday. It wasn't a very productive meeting. She spent most of the session trying to tell me my that the other problems in my life unconscious sources of my eating problems (i.e. my lacking dating life) and I spent the session trying to convince her that maybe I have a food addiction. We didn't really come to a consensus. Or a plan for treatment. I've been in a pretty good place this week, and she seems to think that my very small achievements are proof that I am improving. I will see her again in two weeks and we'll see how I am then. I hope that she is right.
March 06, 2012
Two Days
Two days binge free. I've been feeling really good about myself lately, sort of ego tripping actually. Things in life are going really well for me right now in terms of school and my career aspirations. If it weren't for this damn ED, it'd be pretty near perfect (but not the perfect I'm trying to avoid).
Maybe this new self-confidence will help to keep the binging at bay. Here's to two days and counting.
P.S. Thank you to my lovely followers. It makes all the difference in the world to come here and see that I am NOT alone. Your support is irreplaceable.
Maybe this new self-confidence will help to keep the binging at bay. Here's to two days and counting.
P.S. Thank you to my lovely followers. It makes all the difference in the world to come here and see that I am NOT alone. Your support is irreplaceable.
March 04, 2012
Saying No To the Cake
I have been such a failure lately. I am binge eating or overeating nearly everyday now. I haven't weighed myself, but I must be packing on the pounds. I hate what I am doing to myself. I hate how this feels.
I do have one very small achievement to report today. My mom bought a Black Forest Cake yesterday--instant temptation. Yesterday, yes, I did binge. Today, yes, I did overeat. However, I was picking at the leftover cake, on the verge of going onto a binge with it...but I managed to walk away. I don't know how, but I did. And then later, when I was thinking about how much I'd already messed up and that I might as well just go ahead and have a piece, I managed to say no. I don't know if this is a sign of progress at all, or just my body saying that it was satisfied for once. I'm going to choose to take it as a positive. Afterall, something I need to learn about my disorder is that I can't just "start tomorrow". I have to start today.
I do have one very small achievement to report today. My mom bought a Black Forest Cake yesterday--instant temptation. Yesterday, yes, I did binge. Today, yes, I did overeat. However, I was picking at the leftover cake, on the verge of going onto a binge with it...but I managed to walk away. I don't know how, but I did. And then later, when I was thinking about how much I'd already messed up and that I might as well just go ahead and have a piece, I managed to say no. I don't know if this is a sign of progress at all, or just my body saying that it was satisfied for once. I'm going to choose to take it as a positive. Afterall, something I need to learn about my disorder is that I can't just "start tomorrow". I have to start today.
March 03, 2012
Hate
I am going to end up fat.
I cannot stop eating. I try SO hard but I always managed to screw it up. Today it was frozen yogurt, cake, and chips. Yesterday it was just chips. It's always something. I hate myself and my lack of willpower. I don't even know what to do anymore. How do I stop????? I feel so hopeless.
I have an appointment Wednesday with my therapist. I don't know if it's even worth going. I've only gotten worse since I started seeing her. Her suggestions aren't helping. Is there even a point to continuing?
I think I'm going to start tracking again. Thinking about food obsessively and a calorie counting is better than ending up morbidly obese and hating my body. Better than hating myself.
I cannot stop eating. I try SO hard but I always managed to screw it up. Today it was frozen yogurt, cake, and chips. Yesterday it was just chips. It's always something. I hate myself and my lack of willpower. I don't even know what to do anymore. How do I stop????? I feel so hopeless.
I have an appointment Wednesday with my therapist. I don't know if it's even worth going. I've only gotten worse since I started seeing her. Her suggestions aren't helping. Is there even a point to continuing?
I think I'm going to start tracking again. Thinking about food obsessively and a calorie counting is better than ending up morbidly obese and hating my body. Better than hating myself.
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