A Bad Day

It has been a bad day for me. I have been stuck in that frenzied eating mindset all day. It started off this morning when I snuck a taste of the cheese buns my mom brought home. That ruined my "perfect" eating plan and things went downhill from there. I figured that since I had already messed up, why limit myself? I ended up eating the rest of a bag of croutons, two whole cheese buns (not to mention picking pieces off of all the others--a disgusting habit I know), a whole thing of yogurt, numerous handfuls of dry cereal on top of my main meals. It got worse when I went to work and was offered jumbo cookies by one of my coworkers. I had intended to cut myself off after I ate dinner but this was too great of a temptation. Even grosser is that I ripped the cookie in half and threw half out so I wouldn't eat it all, but then ended up digging in the garbage to retrieve it. I hate this disease. And to make matters worse, my family ordered Chinese while I was at work and so when I came home, I had to "treat" myself even though i'd already consumed more than a healthy amount of calories for the day.

And now here I am, stuck with my usual feelings of shame and disgust. Most overwhelmingly, I feel disappointed, frustrated and hopeless. I had such strong intentions that today I was going to control myself, that things were going to get better. But this keeps happening. No matter how many times I resolve to fix it, it never happens. I last a day at the most. It terrifies me, this lack of power.

I don't know what to do anymore.