February 29, 2012

Losing Faith

I binged today. I wasn't even stressed out. I have no idea what the trigger was; maybe there wasn't one. All I know is that I decided to let myself have a bowl of these garlic parmesean cracker things and that I couldn't stop. I finished the bag, and then moved on to other foods (coconut macaroons, yogurt, granola cereal, etc). It feels like for every step forward that I take, I take two steps back.

I've been thinking about starting to track my calories again. The therapist suggested that I stop this, but I feel like I've gotten worse since seeing her, so maybe it's not helping. I still used to binge while I was tracking, but I think it may have been less often. It's hard to remember. Everything sort of blurs together nowawdays. I don't even remember what it was like to have a normal relationship with food anymore.

I feel so gross and fat now. I feel fat all the time actually. It's really starting to get to me. I've been skipping a lot of class lately, which is very unlike me. I feel terrible about myself, the way I look and the way I am. I hate these behaviours and these thoughts which have taken over my life. Like now, all I want to do is go to bed and wait until tomorrow so I can try again. But I am losing hope... I want to lose weight, but with these binges I keep going in the other direction. Do you think tracking will help? Thoughts?

P.S. Okay, so it's later now and I am having a full blown panic attack. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't do this anymore. Oh my god. I am gaining so much weight (at least, I feel like it, I haven't actually weighed myself because I'm too scared) and I can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore; I don't know if I can do this anymore. How do you stop? Why can't I stop eating? Oh god. Please help me.

I can't handle this. I hate myself. I hatehatehatehatehateHATE this.


  1. i know exactly how you feel. it sucks when you feel like that. idk if tracking will help coz its different for everyone. a good thing to do is when you feel hungry or want to binge eat something with heapsa fibre or protein first. like a salad or an apple or a can of tuna. these are healthy food that are meant to fill you up. if you are still hungry after keep eating but it should help lessen what you eat after.
    i hope that helps a bit. xo

  2. I know how hard this all is, but I promise it gets easier, for me it got worse before it got netters but little by little you start to understand the whole moderation thing. Xxx