Losing Faith

I binged today. I wasn't even stressed out. I have no idea what the trigger was; maybe there wasn't one. All I know is that I decided to let myself have a bowl of these garlic parmesean cracker things and that I couldn't stop. I finished the bag, and then moved on to other foods (coconut macaroons, yogurt, granola cereal, etc). It feels like for every step forward that I take, I take two steps back.

I've been thinking about starting to track my calories again. The therapist suggested that I stop this, but I feel like I've gotten worse since seeing her, so maybe it's not helping. I still used to binge while I was tracking, but I think it may have been less often. It's hard to remember. Everything sort of blurs together nowawdays. I don't even remember what it was like to have a normal relationship with food anymore.

I feel so gross and fat now. I feel fat all the time actually. It's really starting to get to me. I've been skipping a lot of class lately, which is very unlike me. I feel terrible about myself, the way I look and the way I am. I hate these behaviours and these thoughts which have taken over my life. Like now, all I want to do is go to bed and wait until tomorrow so I can try again. But I am losing hope... I want to lose weight, but with these binges I keep going in the other direction. Do you think tracking will help? Thoughts?

P.S. Okay, so it's later now and I am having a full blown panic attack. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't do this anymore. Oh my god. I am gaining so much weight (at least, I feel like it, I haven't actually weighed myself because I'm too scared) and I can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore; I don't know if I can do this anymore. How do you stop? Why can't I stop eating? Oh god. Please help me.

I can't handle this. I hate myself. I hatehatehatehatehateHATE this.