February 23, 2012


Two days, that's all I lasted for. Two good days and I'm back to my sick habits. Today started going downhill when I had lunch an hour earlier than usual because I was starving. This meant that I was hungry mid-day, which meant I started snacking, and once I started, I couldn't stop. And of course because then I had messed up, I just kept going. I ate an entire jumbo chocolate bar after dinner. I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay, it's not the end of the world. I'm not going to get fat from one bad day. But it alternates with phases of intense anxiety. Because it's not okay. I'm not getting better. And I am putting on weight because of these binges. I think that working on a paper for school all day triggered it. It put me into a different head space and once I get into the frenzied state of mind, it's hard to get out.

It felt so good to binge while I was doing it. So satisfying. The food is just so good. It's after that that the horrible feelings start sinking in, the "oh my god, what did you just do?" feeling. And now I'm all worked up about it. I'm already freaking out about tomorrow. I'm going to have to drive to work tomorrow because we're having a winter storm, which means I won't get my usual half an hour of walking in. I'm somehow convinced that combined with tonight's binge, that'll cause me to gain weight. And my mom asked me to bring this new type of ice cream home, which I know I'll have to try and that I WANT to try. It just all adds up. Why can't I be normal? Don't normal people drive to work, over eat sometimes, and have ice cream and maintain a normal weight? Not everyone obsesses over it. I hate this part of myself, or my disease.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

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