February 18, 2012

To Grandmother's House We Go

I'm having a mixed day. It started out well (it usually does). I always have a ton of willpower in the morning. I knew that I was going to my grandma's house this afternoon and that I would be bringing a pie. I had mentally decided that I would allow myself to have a piece, but that I would only have one. But around lunch time I started snacking on croutons, and once I let myself go a little, I typically go all the way. So by the time the pie rolled around my resolve was shaky. I ended up having a bigger piece than I had intended, and then another piece after dinner, and then little slivers I cut off in secret after that. Between the two of us we ate nearly the whole pie. I probably would have eaten even more if I hadn't been so busy trying to hide my behaviour from my grandmother. All in all, I don't think it qualifies as a full out binge. I didn't lose total control, even though I ate much more throughout the day than I intended. It's difficult for me to tell whether I am overeating by "normal" standards or by my own. I don't feel as awful as I usually do about it, but I am having a good day self-esteem wise. I had a good day yesterday and so I'm much less bloated.

So while it hasn't been my best day, I definitely don't feel as disgusted with myself as I usually do. I know that I can get myself back on track tomorrow (at least, this is what I am planning for). I don't know if it's just a good day or if it's just a step in the right decision, but I feel that maybe today has been more positive than it has been negative (even if there has been some obsession and shame mixed in there).

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